The Rebuilt Woman
I walked through 46 years of life wearing a veil I didn’t even know existed. It covered my eyes causing me to look at everything through it. It clouded my judgment, my relationships, my job, and my perception of myself and of the world. It was a veil I never asked for. A garment I never purchased or picked out for myself. It was placed on me without my permission. It was childhood sexual and emotional abuse.
Just by virtue of the fact that the word childhood is in the phrase, you’d think that means when childhood ends, childhood abuse would no longer be a part of my life. At least that’s what I tried to tell myself. Once I became an adult, I deeply believed that I had left it all behind me. I believed I showed no signs of growing up with an alcoholic father, or years of sexual abuse by another relative. The thing is, my brain never forgot.
I chose to become a single mother by using an anonymous donor. To the world, that made me brave. I plowed through life getting one degree after another while working full-time and raising my kids by myself. To the world? Fiercely independent!
OR, THERE’S THE TRUTH …Childhood abuse happens in childhood, but its effects can last a lifetime. Crossing the threshold of your 18th birthday or getting your first, second, or third degree, or having kids, or living an adult life doesn’t undo the damage. Sure, to the world, I was brave, independent, busy, and strong, but inside I was a mess and dying more each day. My “bravery” in having kids using an anonymous donor was my way of making my dream of being a mother come true without having to actually be in a relationship. My “fierce independence” was a pathological need to never depend on anyone for anything because no one could be trusted, and even if they could, I felt I was too worthless for anyone to waste their time helping me. “Too busy?” More like a need to be socially isolated, because I knew I had a flashing red neon “worthless” sign over my head that the world would see if they got too close to me. And strong? HA! My bone broke because I had caused it to become far too weak through over-exercising and my constant striving for perfection. When I was 46, events in my life created the perfect storm that caused my life-long complex PTSD to become completely unmanageable. It stopped me dead in my tracks and made me finally realize I had to face what I had tried so hard to leave behind for so many years. I started working with a trauma-informed therapist and finally began the journey that would remove the veil I never asked for. As my complex PTSD got worse and flashbacks became out of control, I made the very poor decision to try to permanently end my pain. Thankfully, I was not successful and after that night, I knew I had to commit myself to not letting events from decades ago continue to run my life today. For my kids, myself, and for the little girl I was back then, I had to find a way. I had to rebuild the parts of me that were tarnished by my past, so the real me could finally be authentic and free. Yes, my childhood is part of my story, but it doesn’t have to define who I am, and whatever may have happened in your past that has changed parts of you, it doesn’t have to define you either. This life is ours to claim. Sure, we may have to rebuild who we are, but just like a box of thousands of Legos, the possibilities of what you can build are endless. You just have to start building.
I started my practice after getting frustrated about the lack of current, evidence-based appropriate mental health treatment available to help adult survivors of sexual abuse and other traumas.
I’m here to serve. I’ve dedicated my life to constantly learning about how to best help my client’s overcome anxiety, depression, and past hurts. You may feel that you are broken, but I’m here to help you rebuild yourself into the person you want to be. My practice is built on a passion for what’s possible, and a commitment to be an unstoppable force for good because I know how hard the journey can be, but I also know that with the right guidance and support you can heal from your past wounds and the effects they are having on your life.
As a nurse practitioner, my treatment approach is holistic and based on the most current research and scientific knowledge of the neurobiology of trauma. I come from a mind/body/spirit perspective to help you to truly heal from the effects of what happened to you, rather than just learn to manage the symptoms.
Whether you’re just starting out, continuing your personal journey, or are feeling stuck, I’m here to help you discover that there is hope and healing.
Contact me at 352-223-7654 for a free confidential 30-minute consultation. I know how hard reaching out can be, but it’s the first step towards rebuilding your life into the happy, peaceful, authentic person you dream of being. Someone who doesn’t have to feel like an imposter, but rather is genuinely you. Reach out. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.